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| Happy Birthday Meg! |
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| hotsprings in the rain :) |
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| there's just something about waterfalls... |
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| awesome... |
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| hoseback riding in valle del cocora |
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| they say they are some of the best paisajes in the country (but my camera is pretty broken right now) |
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| we rode horses to this waterfall. |
Another attempt was a long list of things about Colombian that I won't miss, the plan was to make a list of both things I will and will not miss but it kind of just turned into a frustrated rant about all the little things in Colombia that drive me crazy. There still might be a post to come following this theme though. I made another blog post attempt in which I tried to describe my life, the current happenings in it and my thoughts on it all. All the before mentioned posts were failures. Truth is I have to be in the right state of mind to truly write a good post that actually expresses how I feel and the trials and tribulations of la vida Colombiana. I think I'm in that state of mind now.
Reflecting back on the failed attempts to post over the past few weeks, I'm realizing that I haven't really realized or been able to pin point my actual thoughts and feelings. I've been feeling kind of emotionally numb. Well that was until yesterday. Yesterday I got the confirmation email from the Fulbright travel agency confirming my flight home to SFO June 1st. Although I've had that date in my head for a few weeks and I've known how imminent it is, having it set in stone and confirmed made it that much more real and that much more exciting. I was jazzed, I turned up the reggae music I was listening too, danced around and informed anyone who would care that por fin I was officially coming home!! That night I celebrated by going to karaoke night, where I belted out all the lyrics to California Love and Sweet Home Alabama, feeling so much patriotic pride and excitement it was almost uncontrollable. That excitement and the general fact that I will be on California soil in just about 40 days has pushed me from the limbo-land of feeling numb and just kinda gently floating through my last days in Medellín into full blown "I-am-totally-over-this"-Serena mode. Anyone who knows me well at all, or who was close to me during the end of college, high school, middle school and even sort of Ecuador knows what this mode is like. Its a sort of apathetic, parallel universe that I push myself into, where luckily time ticks by, nothing new happens, I don't search for adventure, I fall off the face of the social planet and I just get comfortable in my own little bubble, ruminating and reflecting. Right now my universe consists of salsa, porro, ballet, afro, pilates, spinning, treadmills, swimming, yoga, tv shows, movies, veggies and an occasional glass or bottle of wine. Its not a bad place most of the time, but it often does feel like I'm just wasting time away and thats never a good feeling. But then again, thats kind of how Colombia has been for me this entire year, at least now I have something exciting and tangible to look forward to and at least I am filling my time with the three things that have kept me sane this year: dancing, swimming and wine. Truth is I'm over it. Colombia has done all that it can for me right now and this experience needs to come to a close. Honestly, I've been slowly shutting down the Colombia experience since December when I went back to Ecuador. This was followed by three months of visitors, many amazing days, moments and conversations with Lloyd, a trip back to the USA and trips around Colombia. I was also the happiest I've been in Colombia during the past five months.................
Coincidence? I think not. In the past five months, having spent time with dear friends from home, my parents, my Ecua-family and friends, an incredible family week in Florida, and relaxing in the ocean I was reminded of how wonderful and enriching the simple life I live in California actually is. It reconfirmed how my friends, both those from Elk and Mendo and the handful of wonderful friends I made at Pitzer, are truly the most important thing in my life and without them I am only a fraction of who I really am. They make me the best I can be, they make me happy, they make me proud and most of all they keep me real. I have missed all of them more this year than I ever have before, I have never felt the pain of missing someone so strongly and I have certainly never wished more that teleporting actually existed. Not to say that I haven't met some amazing people here in Colombia, but they haven't been my people.
This year has arguably been one of the most difficult years of my life, but it has also been important. It has taught me many important lessons and more than anything it has pushed me into yet another stage of maturity. In its own way I think (and I hope) it has prepared me to face the "real world". The thing about going home to Elk though is that as much as I glorify it in my mind no matter where in the world I am, its not always rainbows, sunshine and smiles. Being home is actually really difficult for me sometimes. I often feel like I don't belong there, I am often frustrated by the small town mentality, I don't feel understood, like no one understands everything that I have experienced and seen and how it has changed me, and I feel trapped, like I'm living in a happy bubble while I know that out there beyond the redwood trees and dramatic cliffs there is a world where most people live difficulty, where to use the title of a popular classic 90's film "reality bites". Lets be honest, for the most part life on the Mendocino coast is bliss, it is its own paradise, where money seems to grow on trees for many of the residents, where despite the crappy fog people still are happy, where you can live the healthiest life-style ever, where you can meet people from all walks of life, where you can live miles and miles away from your neighbor, there are no freeways, no sky-scrapers, no pollution and where community becomes family. But sometimes it almost seems surreal and sometimes this bliss, this bubble, is frustrating. Truth is, many of the people living in this region came to live here after having come to the realization that reality does bite sometimes, even in Mendocino, but the bite is a little more manageable when you are surrounded by all the physical and internal beauty of the Mendocino coast. Or people, who have travelled far and wide, experienced life at its fullest and lowest and have always found their way home to the tranquility, beauty and Mendo love that hugs the cliffs like the summer fog. So yes, home is a magical place that has nurtured, supported, polished and defined who I am and all that I have done, it is a place that warms my soul and if I don't end up living my life there I will only settle for the most similar place I can find. But sometimes I feel stifled and misunderstood there, like no one knows who I am now after Pitzer, Ecuador and Colombia, like I still somehow get squished back into the box I fit into in high school. But what I have come to realize is that no one will ever really understand all the experiences, moments and people who have come in and out of my life in the past five years and how they shaped me to who I am today, because they weren't there. The only person there for all these moments was me..... Lloyd has always told me how important it is and how liberating it is to travel by yourself. This has always scared me, but this year I have done it a handful of times. Lloyd explains the importance as the ability to be able to make decisions based on no one else but yourself. Although this sounds selfish (and selfishness is my least favorite quality in anyone!) its about knowing who you truly are and being ok with it. Because in the end there is no one else, its just you. You are the only person who is always there, who always understands and is there to catch you when you fall. Its important to recognize all the truths about yourself, both the good and the bad and deal with them and play with them as they come and go. This I believe is a major purpose of life and a nearly infinite process.
Taking this realization and my new relationship with myself away from Colombia, I step back into a place that is dangerously familiar armed to face the "real world". Now one (I have even been known to argue this point) could argue that Mendocino/Elk or the life I live there is not the "real world" but the truth is that its a big part of my world and for me its real. And that is what has been the hardest most frustrating part of this past year abroad, I have felt like I am living in a dream world, in a place where whatever I do has little to no repercussions, where I can be or pretend to be anyone I want, where I haven't worked more than 20 hours a week, where the temperature is consistently a perfect 75-80 degrees, where rainy season means I have to take taxis more and be sure to never leave the house without my sombrillo (umbrella) and where the word "stress" has almost lost full meaning. It has been a dream, a really long dream.
But in the end, when it is all said and done the bad memories kind of fall deep into the back of your mind, filed away and the memories that remain are all the best, and it becomes a time you forever reflect fondly upon.
So yes, I have lost most motivation in my life here and I am ready to go home. Its like a plot, I hit the climax months ago and now I am sliding down the curve through the falling action almost arriving at the resolution. But this year has been filled with so many enriching moments, reflections, experiences and people that I think have affected, changed and shape me in more ways than I realize now when I am longing for redwoods, rivers, the Pacific and my people <3
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